Always on My Mind

Its hardly suprising but I seem to have a morbid preoccupation with my own funeral at the moment, thinking about what songs I would have playing, the people that would be there,who would look after my cats afterwards and so on. After having 3 weeks of no pain at all, I had 3 days of pain last week which diminished and the same thing is happening this week. So all sorts of excuses go through my mind, is my bra too tight, the way I am sitting at my desk and so forth. What is odd is that the pain is not in the same place from one day to the next which doesn't make any sense at all. Sometimes its in my ribs on the right and others its beneath my sternum. So is this all psychosomatic? Certainly if I dont think about it, it goes away. I got to thinking today, what is the point in living if all we do is die at the end? But isnt that the point? We call it living for a reason. We are here to experience things, to feel the sun on our faces. I have a theory that heaven is full of the things that makes our hearts and souls soar.. music, laughter, love, contact.. all the things that make us happy. As I am writing this I can actually feel the pain abating. One thing I have noticed is that I am having deja vu again - I used to get it a lot but it stopped for ages.. well if I am having deja vu, surely that means I am supposed to be here? I am really scared at the moment, absolutely terrified that the cancer is coming back. They do say that this is the worst part about having treatment, the 'waiting game'. When I think about it logically, my breast lump hasn't come back, why should the tumour on my liver? I have too much to live for, my son and the man I love. I dont want to leave either of them. How do I feel in myself? A little tired today but then I always do when the clocks go forward. I am sure that I have scar tissue on my liver and that is what's causing me pain. My shoulder and neck hurts but I know why they hurt. Living with cancer is living with a nightmare and I wish that I could wake up from it and realise that I am ok, that I dont have the threat of death hanging over my head all the time. One thing it does do is make me not take things for granted, to appreciate everything. I dont want to die yet and it frustrates me that I might not have any say in the matter, that my body will fail me. So where will my mind go... now that is the biggest question in the world and one that nobody can answer for me. I am almost curious. The hardest thing about this is leaving those you love behind. I do believe though that we will be together again one day.. back home.

On The Right Path

It has now been just over two months since I finished my second course of chemotherapy and how is it going? Fabulously. I am just about to find out how the chemo has worked but I feel amazing, I am not tired, I am working full time and loving it, going through the office like a whirlwind sorting and arranging things. That's the physical me, how is the psychological me doing. I am on a rollercoaster with regards to the cancer, one moment I am feeling frightened, certain that I am going to die soon, the next I am feeling confident that I have kicked this into touch for now. One thing I do know is that walking hand in hand with death is both a scary and beautiful experience. The world seems more real, I feel more alive and everything is more tangible and bittersweet. I held my son on my lap the other night and I was trying hard not to cry, it was so wonderful to hold him, to love him but the thought that I will leave him one day breaks my heart. I have to fight for his sake, to be with him for as long as I can. Something that makes me feel as if I am on the right path is that my angels are talking to me more than ever before, guiding me and advising me all the time. They were quiet for so long and now I hear them. That feeling of something out of reach, my lost memory, is also closer, I am getting reminders almost daily and it's somehow different, warmer, safer and very comforting. The last thing that makes me feel that I am ok at the moment are my cats. When I first had cancer, Willow was very clingy around me, constantly at my feet if I was sat down or in the kitchen. At the moment she is still very affectionate but happy to leave me alone. It's my other cat, Gypsy, that is showing a more marked response to me at the moment. She is trying to get on my lap all the time for the first time in ages and is always wrapping herself around my legs. She has been very distant for a while now. If animals can smell cancer, and they don't like the smell, I am hoping I am smelling more like me again. I am enjoying being on the right path. I just hope that it will be a long walk.

I Can See Clearly Now the Rain Has Gone

Today I feel incredible, so alive and full of life and love and I know now it's my path in life to love as much as possible and to enjoy life as much as I can. As simple as that. I have had so much hurt and misery in my life until now - and what it has taught me is that I must grab every chance of happiness that I can and to make other people as happy as they make me, to tell them how much I love them and to make the world better where I can. I love my life. I may be fighting a killer disease but its true, we can only see real beauty when we are suffering. I have been looking for answers to so many questions and all of a sudden, I have all the answers I need in one simple word. Love. Why did I get cancer? Because I had to learn my lesson. And I have learned it. And what an incredible lesson it was. Right now, I feel as if I have learned everything I need to know but with the knowledge that if I have, if my path is to end soon, that is ok too. It is now my responsibility to take every step towards my destination with my head held high, with my heart full of love and a smile on my face. I am incredibly lucky, blessed even. I am surrounded by people who love me, I am never alone, I have a son who loves me and so many beautiful and wonderful friends. I don't have any more questions. What will be will be. When this angel finally goes home, I will do so knowing I have learned the most important lesson of all.

Winds of Change

For the first time ever I have not been called home this autumn, I have not felt that feeling of something just out of reach. It feels so different, there is a feeling of something else happening to me now, other things are evoking memories. I think I am right, I was probably meant to go home last year and by cheating death I have changed my path. I don't want to be lost anymore. I can feel that something has shifted. I am writing a brand new story every day on fresh paper, a book closed last year. I am learning to go with the flow, what will be will be. I know I have survived for a reason, I was saved for a reason. Perhaps now it is time for me to start living, let go of the past and all the hurt, look forward and love as much as I can. Time to rise from the ashes. I have no idea what lies ahead of me but it must be good for me to have waited for it for so long. I am standing facing this world alone right now and I am so frightened sometimes but I am alive, I can love, laugh and be loved and that is what life is all about.

I Will Never Leave You

I am a force of nature
I am in the breeze that caresses your cheek
I am the sun that warms your soul
I whisper with trees that cannot speak
Always playing in the sunspots
Just out of sight but always close
You can hear me laughing as I play hide and seek
Playing with you but always loving you
I will be with you as we walk through time
Footsteps together crossing the lines
It is me who calls to you from across the void
Calling you home, calling you home
It is my fingers through your hair, not the wind
My kiss upon your lips not the sun
My voice in your ears not the trees
My love in your smile when I am gone
I will be waiting for you
As I have waited for many times before
My arms will hold you close, keep you safe
When we finally close the door

(Inspired by a walk on Mousehold Heath with someone I love)

Summer Solstice

Today I got up at 2am with my sister, walked in the dark and the rain through Amesbury, over fields until we reached Stonehenge. I have done it. We walked straight through into the centre of the ring and I touched the stones for the first time. They felt warm to me despite the temperature. The atmosphere was incredible, there was so much love in that one place, we were all there for the same reason. Even the fact that we could not see the sunrise did not dampen our soggy spirits! It was incredible. I then walked barefoot back through the wet grass back to the house we were staying at. I am exhausted now, I drove 420 miles to do this, I have had 2 hours sleep but I feel alive and the only word I can use to describe it is cleansed. I feel free as a bird, in control of me. I have done something I always wanted to do. Even my sister said that now I am finally living.

Return Journey

I saw my oncologist today and the news could not have been better. My blood results were all normal, my tumour markers are right down and the herceptin is not damaging my heart. The good doctor said that I am cured, all bar the shouting. It still has not sunk in yet. In all honesty, I think this is because I never really realised how ill I was. I could have died last year if the fates had not taken over. In a sense, I did die. The old me, the one that worried, that put up with being treated badly, the unhappy me died. The one that has come out the other side is not afraid of anything, is stronger and only now, is ready to live. I was asked by several people today - what now. I have no idea. I feel like I am starting out on a fresh new page, that I have a second chance to do this and to get it right this time. When I told my little boy that his mummy was going to get better he cried. I will never forget that. My phone was hot today with everyone texting me, telling me how fantastic the news was. It really is fantastic news. I am an extremely lucky girl. I know that. My friend who has also had cancer told me that she sees cancer as a gift. I agree. It's a wake up call. Time now for me to start living. I know I am loved, I want to spend the rest of my life with the ones that I love.

Something in the Air

This is my favourite time of year, Autumn. I love the foggy mornings that burn into blue sky days, the smell of wood smoke, the stars twinkle more because of the cold air, frosty mornings that make the grass look stripey and cobwebs sparkle in the sunshine, feeling warm and cosy indoors, snuggling up close to the one you love and feeling their warmth, the glow of lights from cosy front rooms, the leaves changing into blazes of colour, conkers and berries, walking in the woods and kicking the leaves, the knowledge that Bonfire night is coming and then Christmas. I can feel the seasons changing, I always have been able to. I felt Autumn coming at the end of August this year. Autumn brings with it something else for me. It's a good feeling, a calm feeling, like coming home or a memory that is just out of reach. It's very hard to explain. It's in my entire body and it's familiar, but I don't know what it is. I normally get something similar this time of year but this year it's so strong. I feel at peace. I know the chemotherapy has enhanced my other senses, my hearing is very sensitive at the moment and so is my other sense, so in tune at the moment. Perhaps that is why I am feeling this so powerfully this year. I am inclined to say that it's a memory of a past life, that is the closest that I can get to describing it. Familiar but I can't quite remember. A ghost of a memory. With it comes the feeling of anticipation, of waiting for something to happen. I have always said that when I go back, it will be in October or November. I have a funny feeling that when I go back, it will be for the last time, that I will have learnt all my lessons. Maybe that is what it is, of being called home, of feeling safe and back from where I came. I am not afraid to go, but I have no plans to go just yet. This angel hasn't finished her work here yet.

Things Are Clearer

At this point of writing, I have now had two courses of chemotherapy and two days ago, I found out that it appears to be working! My lump has shrunk to a third of it's original size already so early indications are really good. My 'Diary of a Lump' will give you a better insight into how I have been. Through this experience, I have learnt many things. I have learnt that I really am loved by so many people. I have learnt that positive thinking really does make a difference - only today I was told that I always have a smile on my face! I have learnt how lucky I am to have gone through this experience. That might sound mad, but if I had not gone through this, I would not have grown into the person I now am and realised that I am happy with me. And my biggest lesson? I have realised what a truly wonderful world we live in and how amazing people really are. The human capacity for encouragement, protectiveness, love and nurturing is unbounded. If I could hug everyone in this world and whisper in their ears how wonderful they are, that we should seek to settle our differences and accept them, embrace them and realise that underneath it all, we are the same, that we all want the same things for our children and we all need to feel loved and protected, I would. This world is beautiful. We are amazing. Finally, I know that I have got what I have always asked for. I am protected and safe.

My Hardest Lesson Yet

This is going to be a small segment about how I think the fates are trying to show me something. Let me give you a few facts about what has happened to me over the last year and I will let you make your own mind up.

1. I have lost 4 stone since last June. Big achievement, very proud of me.
2. My husband and I are divorcing but we are still remaining friends (very happy about the fact that are remaining friends).
3. I have met a wonderful man who I think the world of (and he thinks I'm not half bad either!). Yay!!!!
4. I have breast cancer. Was diagnosed a week ago. Bugger.

Ok, so what has this got to do with the fates? Check out the date that I started this blog on and it's general tone - exactly 2 months before I was diagnosed. Ok, lost all that weight - enabled me to find the lump quicker. And it was my new man who helped me find it - he asked me if I got tender at certain times of the month which I do sometimes, but this time I was more tender and when I checked myself (thank God I did) I found the lump. There are other things going on at the moment too - read the last Harry Potter book (you know how much a fan I am!) so finished that part successfully. When I was 12, there was a mini series on BBC called 'Maelstrom' - I missed the last part and have always wondered how it finished. Checked on YouTube yesterday, somebody posted the entire series - 2 weeks ago. There are lots of positive things too - lots of the contacts I have made through my work are pulling together so that I can carry on working from home ( I know I have got to slow down, I am not going to be silly. I will get my butt kicked if I don't.) I have friends doing research for me on the interweb about how to prepare myself for the operation. I have so many friends who are rooting for me and making me laugh. And laughter really is the best medicine. I have a gorgeous man who knows just what I need to feel better. And on the plus side? No shaving my legs for six months, a fantastic bust when I am done and maybe even less scary hair!

I know I am going to beat this. This angel is far from ready to go home yet. This has happened for a reason. I think I know why but I am not going to tell you yet - just watch this space.

If You Love Somebody, Set Them Free

Good title for a song, don't you think?! I used to think that this meant if you love somebody, let them go, if they come back to you, they want to be with you. I now think it means something completely different. Personally, if somebody let me go, I would be off and never coming back, simply because I feel something would be irretrievably damaged within a relationship if this happened. I need to feel secure and I would be always wondering if it was going to happen again. If you love somebody, make sure that they know they are loved, needed and wanted. Never let me go unless you mean it.
Now, with regards to setting somebody you love free, this is my view on it. Love itself should be free. Now you can take this in many ways. Free from conditions, free from suspicions and freely given and received. It should not be smothering. If somebody wants to be with me, I want it to be because they want to be with me, not because they feel tied to me for whatever reason. It needs to be honest and free from secrets.
Love setting them free? The person you love must be their own person. Don't stop them from being who they want to be or try to change them. They must have the freedom to be who they are. In the same respect, I need to be me within a relationship. I am me and I need to be me. Never judge each other. Accept each other for who you are. If you still love them then, and they still love you, that is a love worth hanging on to. Be free, be loved and you will be happy.

Things I Like - in no particular order!

Cuddles, smell of outside after the rain, mashed potato, sitting under a tree doing nothing, smell of beans growing in fields, feeling my toes in wet sand at the beach, having my forehead stroked, watching fire, looking at freshly washed linen on the line, hands, chocolate, a clean bed, a new shower gel to try, shopping with my sister, listening to music, a good book, having my hair played with, dreaming, laughing, listening to a friend and being able to help, the song of the skylark, being inside and looking out at the snow falling, wood pigeons calling, being warm on a cold day, kisses, driving my car with good music on the stereo, Thursdays, my job, collecting shells, being in the woods, sleeping, being silly, scary movies and scary books, history programmes, finishing my jobs for the day, guessing 'who did it' correctly, horse chestnut trees, sitting by water, romantic gestures, bluebells, silver jewellery, stone lamps, white flowers, feeling the sun on my skin and the breeze in my hair, flint cladded houses, smiling at strangers and getting a smile back, Christmas Eve, watching people and guessing their story, hearing an owl when tucked up in bed, snuggling.