Love is a Learning Game

Funny thing, this love game. You think you have a handle on it, that you know what you want, that you are in control of your own destiny. Guess again. Life, fate, love, they all are interchanging forces that blow us in directions that we have no control over. Time and time again I experience love in its totally purest form, its strongest form.. sharing air with someone you love, being so close to that person that you can feel your spirits entwined as well as your bodies..the word love just doesn't come close. There is no word for it, if it was a light source it would be brighter than the sun. It's a need that runs so deep, right into the heart of me. I am in love. When every song reminds me of him, when the thought of being with him makes me feel like a child on Christmas Eve, when I see him it makes my heart race..If it's peace I am after, it's not the peace I was expecting, but it's the peace I really need. My biggest fear is losing him. He has shown me that I cannot lose him, that he loves me as much as I love him. I feel totally secure with him. That is my peace.

Always on My Mind

Its hardly suprising but I seem to have a morbid preoccupation with my own funeral at the moment, thinking about what songs I would have playing, the people that would be there,who would look after my cats afterwards and so on. After having 3 weeks of no pain at all, I had 3 days of pain last week which diminished and the same thing is happening this week. So all sorts of excuses go through my mind, is my bra too tight, the way I am sitting at my desk and so forth. What is odd is that the pain is not in the same place from one day to the next which doesn't make any sense at all. Sometimes its in my ribs on the right and others its beneath my sternum. So is this all psychosomatic? Certainly if I dont think about it, it goes away. I got to thinking today, what is the point in living if all we do is die at the end? But isnt that the point? We call it living for a reason. We are here to experience things, to feel the sun on our faces. I have a theory that heaven is full of the things that makes our hearts and souls soar.. music, laughter, love, contact.. all the things that make us happy. As I am writing this I can actually feel the pain abating. One thing I have noticed is that I am having deja vu again - I used to get it a lot but it stopped for ages.. well if I am having deja vu, surely that means I am supposed to be here? I am really scared at the moment, absolutely terrified that the cancer is coming back. They do say that this is the worst part about having treatment, the 'waiting game'. When I think about it logically, my breast lump hasn't come back, why should the tumour on my liver? I have too much to live for, my son and the man I love. I dont want to leave either of them. How do I feel in myself? A little tired today but then I always do when the clocks go forward. I am sure that I have scar tissue on my liver and that is what's causing me pain. My shoulder and neck hurts but I know why they hurt. Living with cancer is living with a nightmare and I wish that I could wake up from it and realise that I am ok, that I dont have the threat of death hanging over my head all the time. One thing it does do is make me not take things for granted, to appreciate everything. I dont want to die yet and it frustrates me that I might not have any say in the matter, that my body will fail me. So where will my mind go... now that is the biggest question in the world and one that nobody can answer for me. I am almost curious. The hardest thing about this is leaving those you love behind. I do believe though that we will be together again one day.. back home.

On The Right Path

It has now been just over two months since I finished my second course of chemotherapy and how is it going? Fabulously. I am just about to find out how the chemo has worked but I feel amazing, I am not tired, I am working full time and loving it, going through the office like a whirlwind sorting and arranging things. That's the physical me, how is the psychological me doing. I am on a rollercoaster with regards to the cancer, one moment I am feeling frightened, certain that I am going to die soon, the next I am feeling confident that I have kicked this into touch for now. One thing I do know is that walking hand in hand with death is both a scary and beautiful experience. The world seems more real, I feel more alive and everything is more tangible and bittersweet. I held my son on my lap the other night and I was trying hard not to cry, it was so wonderful to hold him, to love him but the thought that I will leave him one day breaks my heart. I have to fight for his sake, to be with him for as long as I can. Something that makes me feel as if I am on the right path is that my angels are talking to me more than ever before, guiding me and advising me all the time. They were quiet for so long and now I hear them. That feeling of something out of reach, my lost memory, is also closer, I am getting reminders almost daily and it's somehow different, warmer, safer and very comforting. The last thing that makes me feel that I am ok at the moment are my cats. When I first had cancer, Willow was very clingy around me, constantly at my feet if I was sat down or in the kitchen. At the moment she is still very affectionate but happy to leave me alone. It's my other cat, Gypsy, that is showing a more marked response to me at the moment. She is trying to get on my lap all the time for the first time in ages and is always wrapping herself around my legs. She has been very distant for a while now. If animals can smell cancer, and they don't like the smell, I am hoping I am smelling more like me again. I am enjoying being on the right path. I just hope that it will be a long walk.