On The Right Path

It has now been just over two months since I finished my second course of chemotherapy and how is it going? Fabulously. I am just about to find out how the chemo has worked but I feel amazing, I am not tired, I am working full time and loving it, going through the office like a whirlwind sorting and arranging things. That's the physical me, how is the psychological me doing. I am on a rollercoaster with regards to the cancer, one moment I am feeling frightened, certain that I am going to die soon, the next I am feeling confident that I have kicked this into touch for now. One thing I do know is that walking hand in hand with death is both a scary and beautiful experience. The world seems more real, I feel more alive and everything is more tangible and bittersweet. I held my son on my lap the other night and I was trying hard not to cry, it was so wonderful to hold him, to love him but the thought that I will leave him one day breaks my heart. I have to fight for his sake, to be with him for as long as I can. Something that makes me feel as if I am on the right path is that my angels are talking to me more than ever before, guiding me and advising me all the time. They were quiet for so long and now I hear them. That feeling of something out of reach, my lost memory, is also closer, I am getting reminders almost daily and it's somehow different, warmer, safer and very comforting. The last thing that makes me feel that I am ok at the moment are my cats. When I first had cancer, Willow was very clingy around me, constantly at my feet if I was sat down or in the kitchen. At the moment she is still very affectionate but happy to leave me alone. It's my other cat, Gypsy, that is showing a more marked response to me at the moment. She is trying to get on my lap all the time for the first time in ages and is always wrapping herself around my legs. She has been very distant for a while now. If animals can smell cancer, and they don't like the smell, I am hoping I am smelling more like me again. I am enjoying being on the right path. I just hope that it will be a long walk.