Something in the Air

This is my favourite time of year, Autumn. I love the foggy mornings that burn into blue sky days, the smell of wood smoke, the stars twinkle more because of the cold air, frosty mornings that make the grass look stripey and cobwebs sparkle in the sunshine, feeling warm and cosy indoors, snuggling up close to the one you love and feeling their warmth, the glow of lights from cosy front rooms, the leaves changing into blazes of colour, conkers and berries, walking in the woods and kicking the leaves, the knowledge that Bonfire night is coming and then Christmas. I can feel the seasons changing, I always have been able to. I felt Autumn coming at the end of August this year. Autumn brings with it something else for me. It's a good feeling, a calm feeling, like coming home or a memory that is just out of reach. It's very hard to explain. It's in my entire body and it's familiar, but I don't know what it is. I normally get something similar this time of year but this year it's so strong. I feel at peace. I know the chemotherapy has enhanced my other senses, my hearing is very sensitive at the moment and so is my other sense, so in tune at the moment. Perhaps that is why I am feeling this so powerfully this year. I am inclined to say that it's a memory of a past life, that is the closest that I can get to describing it. Familiar but I can't quite remember. A ghost of a memory. With it comes the feeling of anticipation, of waiting for something to happen. I have always said that when I go back, it will be in October or November. I have a funny feeling that when I go back, it will be for the last time, that I will have learnt all my lessons. Maybe that is what it is, of being called home, of feeling safe and back from where I came. I am not afraid to go, but I have no plans to go just yet. This angel hasn't finished her work here yet.

Things Are Clearer

At this point of writing, I have now had two courses of chemotherapy and two days ago, I found out that it appears to be working! My lump has shrunk to a third of it's original size already so early indications are really good. My 'Diary of a Lump' will give you a better insight into how I have been. Through this experience, I have learnt many things. I have learnt that I really am loved by so many people. I have learnt that positive thinking really does make a difference - only today I was told that I always have a smile on my face! I have learnt how lucky I am to have gone through this experience. That might sound mad, but if I had not gone through this, I would not have grown into the person I now am and realised that I am happy with me. And my biggest lesson? I have realised what a truly wonderful world we live in and how amazing people really are. The human capacity for encouragement, protectiveness, love and nurturing is unbounded. If I could hug everyone in this world and whisper in their ears how wonderful they are, that we should seek to settle our differences and accept them, embrace them and realise that underneath it all, we are the same, that we all want the same things for our children and we all need to feel loved and protected, I would. This world is beautiful. We are amazing. Finally, I know that I have got what I have always asked for. I am protected and safe.