I Can See Clearly Now the Rain Has Gone

Today I feel incredible, so alive and full of life and love and I know now it's my path in life to love as much as possible and to enjoy life as much as I can. As simple as that. I have had so much hurt and misery in my life until now - and what it has taught me is that I must grab every chance of happiness that I can and to make other people as happy as they make me, to tell them how much I love them and to make the world better where I can. I love my life. I may be fighting a killer disease but its true, we can only see real beauty when we are suffering. I have been looking for answers to so many questions and all of a sudden, I have all the answers I need in one simple word. Love. Why did I get cancer? Because I had to learn my lesson. And I have learned it. And what an incredible lesson it was. Right now, I feel as if I have learned everything I need to know but with the knowledge that if I have, if my path is to end soon, that is ok too. It is now my responsibility to take every step towards my destination with my head held high, with my heart full of love and a smile on my face. I am incredibly lucky, blessed even. I am surrounded by people who love me, I am never alone, I have a son who loves me and so many beautiful and wonderful friends. I don't have any more questions. What will be will be. When this angel finally goes home, I will do so knowing I have learned the most important lesson of all.

Winds of Change

For the first time ever I have not been called home this autumn, I have not felt that feeling of something just out of reach. It feels so different, there is a feeling of something else happening to me now, other things are evoking memories. I think I am right, I was probably meant to go home last year and by cheating death I have changed my path. I don't want to be lost anymore. I can feel that something has shifted. I am writing a brand new story every day on fresh paper, a book closed last year. I am learning to go with the flow, what will be will be. I know I have survived for a reason, I was saved for a reason. Perhaps now it is time for me to start living, let go of the past and all the hurt, look forward and love as much as I can. Time to rise from the ashes. I have no idea what lies ahead of me but it must be good for me to have waited for it for so long. I am standing facing this world alone right now and I am so frightened sometimes but I am alive, I can love, laugh and be loved and that is what life is all about.

I Will Never Leave You

I am a force of nature
I am in the breeze that caresses your cheek
I am the sun that warms your soul
I whisper with trees that cannot speak
Always playing in the sunspots
Just out of sight but always close
You can hear me laughing as I play hide and seek
Playing with you but always loving you
I will be with you as we walk through time
Footsteps together crossing the lines
It is me who calls to you from across the void
Calling you home, calling you home
It is my fingers through your hair, not the wind
My kiss upon your lips not the sun
My voice in your ears not the trees
My love in your smile when I am gone
I will be waiting for you
As I have waited for many times before
My arms will hold you close, keep you safe
When we finally close the door

(Inspired by a walk on Mousehold Heath with someone I love)

Summer Solstice

Today I got up at 2am with my sister, walked in the dark and the rain through Amesbury, over fields until we reached Stonehenge. I have done it. We walked straight through into the centre of the ring and I touched the stones for the first time. They felt warm to me despite the temperature. The atmosphere was incredible, there was so much love in that one place, we were all there for the same reason. Even the fact that we could not see the sunrise did not dampen our soggy spirits! It was incredible. I then walked barefoot back through the wet grass back to the house we were staying at. I am exhausted now, I drove 420 miles to do this, I have had 2 hours sleep but I feel alive and the only word I can use to describe it is cleansed. I feel free as a bird, in control of me. I have done something I always wanted to do. Even my sister said that now I am finally living.

Return Journey

I saw my oncologist today and the news could not have been better. My blood results were all normal, my tumour markers are right down and the herceptin is not damaging my heart. The good doctor said that I am cured, all bar the shouting. It still has not sunk in yet. In all honesty, I think this is because I never really realised how ill I was. I could have died last year if the fates had not taken over. In a sense, I did die. The old me, the one that worried, that put up with being treated badly, the unhappy me died. The one that has come out the other side is not afraid of anything, is stronger and only now, is ready to live. I was asked by several people today - what now. I have no idea. I feel like I am starting out on a fresh new page, that I have a second chance to do this and to get it right this time. When I told my little boy that his mummy was going to get better he cried. I will never forget that. My phone was hot today with everyone texting me, telling me how fantastic the news was. It really is fantastic news. I am an extremely lucky girl. I know that. My friend who has also had cancer told me that she sees cancer as a gift. I agree. It's a wake up call. Time now for me to start living. I know I am loved, I want to spend the rest of my life with the ones that I love.