Always on My Mind

Its hardly suprising but I seem to have a morbid preoccupation with my own funeral at the moment, thinking about what songs I would have playing, the people that would be there,who would look after my cats afterwards and so on. After having 3 weeks of no pain at all, I had 3 days of pain last week which diminished and the same thing is happening this week. So all sorts of excuses go through my mind, is my bra too tight, the way I am sitting at my desk and so forth. What is odd is that the pain is not in the same place from one day to the next which doesn't make any sense at all. Sometimes its in my ribs on the right and others its beneath my sternum. So is this all psychosomatic? Certainly if I dont think about it, it goes away. I got to thinking today, what is the point in living if all we do is die at the end? But isnt that the point? We call it living for a reason. We are here to experience things, to feel the sun on our faces. I have a theory that heaven is full of the things that makes our hearts and souls soar.. music, laughter, love, contact.. all the things that make us happy. As I am writing this I can actually feel the pain abating. One thing I have noticed is that I am having deja vu again - I used to get it a lot but it stopped for ages.. well if I am having deja vu, surely that means I am supposed to be here? I am really scared at the moment, absolutely terrified that the cancer is coming back. They do say that this is the worst part about having treatment, the 'waiting game'. When I think about it logically, my breast lump hasn't come back, why should the tumour on my liver? I have too much to live for, my son and the man I love. I dont want to leave either of them. How do I feel in myself? A little tired today but then I always do when the clocks go forward. I am sure that I have scar tissue on my liver and that is what's causing me pain. My shoulder and neck hurts but I know why they hurt. Living with cancer is living with a nightmare and I wish that I could wake up from it and realise that I am ok, that I dont have the threat of death hanging over my head all the time. One thing it does do is make me not take things for granted, to appreciate everything. I dont want to die yet and it frustrates me that I might not have any say in the matter, that my body will fail me. So where will my mind go... now that is the biggest question in the world and one that nobody can answer for me. I am almost curious. The hardest thing about this is leaving those you love behind. I do believe though that we will be together again one day.. back home.