Return Journey

I saw my oncologist today and the news could not have been better. My blood results were all normal, my tumour markers are right down and the herceptin is not damaging my heart. The good doctor said that I am cured, all bar the shouting. It still has not sunk in yet. In all honesty, I think this is because I never really realised how ill I was. I could have died last year if the fates had not taken over. In a sense, I did die. The old me, the one that worried, that put up with being treated badly, the unhappy me died. The one that has come out the other side is not afraid of anything, is stronger and only now, is ready to live. I was asked by several people today - what now. I have no idea. I feel like I am starting out on a fresh new page, that I have a second chance to do this and to get it right this time. When I told my little boy that his mummy was going to get better he cried. I will never forget that. My phone was hot today with everyone texting me, telling me how fantastic the news was. It really is fantastic news. I am an extremely lucky girl. I know that. My friend who has also had cancer told me that she sees cancer as a gift. I agree. It's a wake up call. Time now for me to start living. I know I am loved, I want to spend the rest of my life with the ones that I love.

Something in the Air

This is my favourite time of year, Autumn. I love the foggy mornings that burn into blue sky days, the smell of wood smoke, the stars twinkle more because of the cold air, frosty mornings that make the grass look stripey and cobwebs sparkle in the sunshine, feeling warm and cosy indoors, snuggling up close to the one you love and feeling their warmth, the glow of lights from cosy front rooms, the leaves changing into blazes of colour, conkers and berries, walking in the woods and kicking the leaves, the knowledge that Bonfire night is coming and then Christmas. I can feel the seasons changing, I always have been able to. I felt Autumn coming at the end of August this year. Autumn brings with it something else for me. It's a good feeling, a calm feeling, like coming home or a memory that is just out of reach. It's very hard to explain. It's in my entire body and it's familiar, but I don't know what it is. I normally get something similar this time of year but this year it's so strong. I feel at peace. I know the chemotherapy has enhanced my other senses, my hearing is very sensitive at the moment and so is my other sense, so in tune at the moment. Perhaps that is why I am feeling this so powerfully this year. I am inclined to say that it's a memory of a past life, that is the closest that I can get to describing it. Familiar but I can't quite remember. A ghost of a memory. With it comes the feeling of anticipation, of waiting for something to happen. I have always said that when I go back, it will be in October or November. I have a funny feeling that when I go back, it will be for the last time, that I will have learnt all my lessons. Maybe that is what it is, of being called home, of feeling safe and back from where I came. I am not afraid to go, but I have no plans to go just yet. This angel hasn't finished her work here yet.

Things Are Clearer

At this point of writing, I have now had two courses of chemotherapy and two days ago, I found out that it appears to be working! My lump has shrunk to a third of it's original size already so early indications are really good. My 'Diary of a Lump' will give you a better insight into how I have been. Through this experience, I have learnt many things. I have learnt that I really am loved by so many people. I have learnt that positive thinking really does make a difference - only today I was told that I always have a smile on my face! I have learnt how lucky I am to have gone through this experience. That might sound mad, but if I had not gone through this, I would not have grown into the person I now am and realised that I am happy with me. And my biggest lesson? I have realised what a truly wonderful world we live in and how amazing people really are. The human capacity for encouragement, protectiveness, love and nurturing is unbounded. If I could hug everyone in this world and whisper in their ears how wonderful they are, that we should seek to settle our differences and accept them, embrace them and realise that underneath it all, we are the same, that we all want the same things for our children and we all need to feel loved and protected, I would. This world is beautiful. We are amazing. Finally, I know that I have got what I have always asked for. I am protected and safe.

My Hardest Lesson Yet

This is going to be a small segment about how I think the fates are trying to show me something. Let me give you a few facts about what has happened to me over the last year and I will let you make your own mind up.

1. I have lost 4 stone since last June. Big achievement, very proud of me.
2. My husband and I are divorcing but we are still remaining friends (very happy about the fact that are remaining friends).
3. I have met a wonderful man who I think the world of (and he thinks I'm not half bad either!). Yay!!!!
4. I have breast cancer. Was diagnosed a week ago. Bugger.

Ok, so what has this got to do with the fates? Check out the date that I started this blog on and it's general tone - exactly 2 months before I was diagnosed. Ok, lost all that weight - enabled me to find the lump quicker. And it was my new man who helped me find it - he asked me if I got tender at certain times of the month which I do sometimes, but this time I was more tender and when I checked myself (thank God I did) I found the lump. There are other things going on at the moment too - read the last Harry Potter book (you know how much a fan I am!) so finished that part successfully. When I was 12, there was a mini series on BBC called 'Maelstrom' - I missed the last part and have always wondered how it finished. Checked on YouTube yesterday, somebody posted the entire series - 2 weeks ago. There are lots of positive things too - lots of the contacts I have made through my work are pulling together so that I can carry on working from home ( I know I have got to slow down, I am not going to be silly. I will get my butt kicked if I don't.) I have friends doing research for me on the interweb about how to prepare myself for the operation. I have so many friends who are rooting for me and making me laugh. And laughter really is the best medicine. I have a gorgeous man who knows just what I need to feel better. And on the plus side? No shaving my legs for six months, a fantastic bust when I am done and maybe even less scary hair!

I know I am going to beat this. This angel is far from ready to go home yet. This has happened for a reason. I think I know why but I am not going to tell you yet - just watch this space.

If You Love Somebody, Set Them Free

Good title for a song, don't you think?! I used to think that this meant if you love somebody, let them go, if they come back to you, they want to be with you. I now think it means something completely different. Personally, if somebody let me go, I would be off and never coming back, simply because I feel something would be irretrievably damaged within a relationship if this happened. I need to feel secure and I would be always wondering if it was going to happen again. If you love somebody, make sure that they know they are loved, needed and wanted. Never let me go unless you mean it.
Now, with regards to setting somebody you love free, this is my view on it. Love itself should be free. Now you can take this in many ways. Free from conditions, free from suspicions and freely given and received. It should not be smothering. If somebody wants to be with me, I want it to be because they want to be with me, not because they feel tied to me for whatever reason. It needs to be honest and free from secrets.
Love setting them free? The person you love must be their own person. Don't stop them from being who they want to be or try to change them. They must have the freedom to be who they are. In the same respect, I need to be me within a relationship. I am me and I need to be me. Never judge each other. Accept each other for who you are. If you still love them then, and they still love you, that is a love worth hanging on to. Be free, be loved and you will be happy.

Things I Like - in no particular order!

Cuddles, smell of outside after the rain, mashed potato, sitting under a tree doing nothing, smell of beans growing in fields, feeling my toes in wet sand at the beach, having my forehead stroked, watching fire, looking at freshly washed linen on the line, hands, chocolate, a clean bed, a new shower gel to try, shopping with my sister, listening to music, a good book, having my hair played with, dreaming, laughing, listening to a friend and being able to help, the song of the skylark, being inside and looking out at the snow falling, wood pigeons calling, being warm on a cold day, kisses, driving my car with good music on the stereo, Thursdays, my job, collecting shells, being in the woods, sleeping, being silly, scary movies and scary books, history programmes, finishing my jobs for the day, guessing 'who did it' correctly, horse chestnut trees, sitting by water, romantic gestures, bluebells, silver jewellery, stone lamps, white flowers, feeling the sun on my skin and the breeze in my hair, flint cladded houses, smiling at strangers and getting a smile back, Christmas Eve, watching people and guessing their story, hearing an owl when tucked up in bed, snuggling.

Lessons I Have Learnt

My view on life is that we are here to learn, to grow as individuals and to realise that life is an adventure with many things to show us. I believe that we walk this path many times until we have learned all our lessons. I know I am learning every day.
I have learnt not to be so uptight about time keeping - it does not matter if I am a little bit late, I don't have to break my neck trying to keep appointments.
I have learned to listen to my angels, to trust them and turn to them when I need them, they are always there for me. They always were, I just didn't recognise the fact.
I have learned to be patient - if something is going to happen, it will eventually and I must not push it.
I have learned to stop being such a control freak! Let other people take the lead, take some of the burden if they are willing, let other people help me. It makes for a smoother ride.
I have learned that there is a master plan for us all - I have felt it very strongly lately, as if I am being pushed along a railway track towards my destination. Don't push against it, go with the flow. I am a happier person for doing that.
I have learned to like myself for who I am, and to accept the fact that I am not perfect, that I am very occasionally wrong (!) and I am now comfortable in my own skin. I do not need everybody to like me anymore.
I have learned to love and to be loved. The hardest lesson of all but the one that brings you the most rewards. I recognise that I am fiercely protective of those I love, be they friend, family or lover, but at the same time, I need to feel protected and safe too. I consider myself very lucky that I have friends and family and parts of my jigsaw whom I love and who love me in return. If you learn nothing else as you travel, learn that lesson.

Who am I?

This is a tricky one, and one that some of you will be very surprised about. It is important to me that you know this, as this fundamentally is who I am. I feel so in tune with nature, I am happiest amongst the trees (hug one, they hug you back - silver birches are the best, they don't make your clothes green!), beside the sea, standing in the middle of a good thunderstorm, listening to the rain whilst cosy in bed and so on. When I have gone back, I would like to have my ashes scattered around a horse chestnut tree, make sure it was one with white flowers, on June 21st. Start in the east and walk around the tree clockwise. I will always be there when you need me.
Some of you have told me that I am a "Weather Witch" - that I can change the weather! I am not so sure about that, I think I am just lucky, but I do remember a time in the Forest of Dean when the rain was pouring down, we pulled up in the car and the moment I opened my door, the rain stopped and the sun came out! Talking of cars, you should see the trick I do with traffic lights!
I also firmly believe in fate. We are all here for a reason, and some of us are inextricably linked to each other. I have met two people so far who are part of my 'jigsaw' - you know who you are! I love you both.
I also read rune stones, and have been told that I have quite a knack for it. I don't have the knack, you choose the stones. I just listen.
About listening - listen to your angels. They are there, I know mine are.
I was once told that I am the sort of person that makes other people's days special. That is one of the most beautiful things that has ever been said to me. If I have touched your life, I hope I made it better.

Me and my music

For me, music is such an important part of my life. I have always loved music - my first real memory of music is singing 'Away in a Manger' when I was about five - all year round! 'Annie's Song' by John Denver was the first song I really fell in love with. A song can invoke memories, change my mood, make me feel totally invincible and ready to take on the world! Particular songs remind me of certain times in my life. Right now, my favourite song is Snow Patrol's 'Chasing Cars'. I really do love my music. There are so many tracks out there that I love, I will probably never be able to list them all, but I will try. As for favourite singer, Morten Harket will always have a special place in my heart - 'Living a Boys Adventure Tale', 'Stay on These Roads' (check out the video - Morten in bikers leathers, say no more!) and of course, 'Take On Me'. Listen to my favourite tracks. Know me better.

Favourite book

When I was about 7, I read a small extract from The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe by C.S. Lewis. I was hooked. For the first time, my eyes were opened to the enchantment that can exist between the pages of a book, how it can pull you in and totally absorb you so that you can literally see the story unfold before your eyes. There will always be a part of me standing beside a Victorian street lamp, deep in the heart of a pine forest, watching the snow fall down thickly around me.

Favourite poem

He wishes for the cloths of heaven

Had I the heavens' embroidered cloths,
Enwrought with golden and silver light,
The blue and the dim and the dark cloths
Of night and light and the half-light,
I would spread the cloths under your feet:
But I, being poor, have only my dreams;
I have spread my dreams under your feet;
Tread softly, because you tread on my dreams.

-- William Butler Yeats

I can't remember when I first read this, I just know that I fell in love with it immediately and no matter how many times I read it, the magic of it has never disappeared. He wishes that he could give her more majestic gifts, but what he does give her, his dreams, are worth so much more. He is literally laying himself down at her feet. Such beautiful imagery. I hope she did tread softly.